So I'm processing, and I thought I might do this online. I often read other people's blogs about emotional issues, and it helps me. Perhaps these thoughts can help someone else.

It has been a little over six weeks since we found out that we were not having the baby we were eagerly anticipating. And to be honest, Steve and I have both expressed that we can be happy whether the future holds another child or not. We are not "incomplete" in any way. We feel blessed with everything God has given us in life, and we are OK with however it turns out. Yet I still feel like I'm going through some grieving or maladjustment with my own emotions at times. It's not every day. But at times. It's just weirdness inside my head—and I think that everyone goes through funks at times, from different triggers. Maybe this was just my trigger.

I wrote this down last week when I was having a moment:
I feel like an egg. I'm looking good and whole and composed. Yet the slightest turbulence makes me feel as if I'm cracking open and spilling out. It comes unexpectedly when I think things are OK. Tears come over something small.

Makes me want to nestle away in my mind, shutting everyone out. Or I feel like snuggling up in my cozy Grinch pants and Snoopy sweatshirt and hide and not face the dishes or the dirty bathrooms or even the simplest decision, like what to fix for dinner.

I keep up a good appearance on the outside, smiling and enjoying people. And I do enjoy people. But I'm ignoring thoughts. When I'm by myself, I must distract myself. I end up using some sort of media or game or anything to avoid the silence. And I used to love and crave silence.

I talk to God in snippets, but at times I've tuned out opportunities for long conversation.

I feel like eating junk foods (but that's just normal!) and buying stuff for me and Kaelyn every time we are out, when I'm normally a tightwad and not prone to use shopping as a catharsis. I'm unmotivated to do things that used to motivate me. I don't know why or how to change any of it right now.

That's what I wrote last week. I also feel like I've given in to some angry feelings, lashing out at Steve or Kaelyn or even inanimate objects when things don't go my way. I feel like I keep justifying these emotions and bad habits, thinking I deserve it somehow as a comfort. I think I've made progress in a few areas the past few days, so that's good.

I also realized that I need comfort from people, even when it looks like I have everything together. When we first got the news and told people, they asked how I was. I could tell certain people felt awkward about asking, just as I feel awkward knowing how to comfort people at times. Subconsciously, I tried alleviating such awkwardness by giving short answers and changing the subject. Later I'd be sad, thinking I had passed up an opportunity to be comforted . . . or to explain that I was in pain. I don't mind that people know I'm sad. I just don't always know how to express that verbally. Which is why I write! :)

That's where I am. I'm just trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel and finding motivation to do some things I've been putting off. I'm not walking around with a little grey cloud over my head all the time. I'm just in and out of some emotional fog. Can we make a deal? If you see me foggy, please ask how I'm doing, and I'll try to get over my awkwardness and give you an honest answer! And if you're in a fog from grief or from anything, no matter what it is or how long it's been, I'll do the same for you.

I've got one more Kaelyn post before I get back to sharing some of my own thoughts around my blog. But this made my day:

We had lots of errands to run today, so we began our day with breakfast at McDonalds. We went to the Hyde Park location. Hadn’t been there in several months. As we left, we said bye to an older woman who works there. I recalled meeting her several months ago, but we hadn’t seen her since. And we hadn't talked to her today except on our way out the door. As started to walk out, Kaelyn looked at her and said, “Bye, Rose!”

I looked at the woman’s name tag, and Kaelyn was right! At first I thought, She's just learning to read, so she didn't read it. Could a 3-year-old really remember her name from one conversation we had with her months ago?

The woman was surprised and flattered and smiled really big as we went out.

Outside on the way to the car, I told Kaelyn she was beautiful. That is honestly the first word that came to mind. I felt like I saw God's beauty as He used a little girl to make this woman smile.

I asked Kaelyn how she remembered her name. She said, “I asked her name, and she told me Rose. Rose is a flower that we smell.”

Today, stop and smell the roses and bless someone as you do.

Steve and I lived many places and taken on many roles in our almost 11 years of marriage, in my almost 11 years of being a full-fledged Cincinnatian! I was thinking about what I learned from each situation:

living in: Madeira
church: Madeira Church of Christ
time: August 1, 1998 through early 2000
lessons: I learned to be a wife, especially a minister's wife. I learned more about Cincinnati than I knew before as I adjusted to life here. I began my work as an assistant editor at Standard Publishing while finishing my journalism degree from Northern Kentucky University—so I learned some stuff there indeed. And I learned to live in a really small apartment and share a space with a BOY! (That takes getting used to.) I met people here who later became some of my dearest friends (that's you, Sheryl and Ed!).

living in: Bridgetown
church: Oak Hills Christian Church
time: early 2000 through fall 2002
lessons: I learned that I loved having an apartment that had 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and a hallway and a dishwasher!!! (All things our first place didn't have.) I also became an editor, no longer an assistant, learning to take on responsibilities of a teen magazine. Steve and I learned to lead worship together as we volunteered at our church. I also got to head up a drama ministry. Mostly from that church, I learned what true community means. It was beautiful! We also learned to be typical westsiders (all of Steve's family living within a 5-mile radius, and we saw each other for lunch every Sunday!). This closeness to family allowed me to grow closer to one of my best friends, my sister-in-law (that's you, Mandi!).

living in: Landen
church: Christ's Church at Mason
time: fall 2002 through fall 2005
lessons: I learned fully about being a minister's wife from a new perspective. I took on new ministries, working with college students, people my age, high schoolers, and preteens. I told stories to the children dressed as Queen Esther and Miriam and Mary. I perfected my table/chair setup skills (that I learned at CBC!) each Saturday night for church. I learned to be flexible. I took on new duties at work, requiring me to figure out what Sunday school curriculum was all about so I could edit/write it, while continuing to edit a magazine! Whew, this was a busy but fun time. I met one of my other closest friends (that's you Carol!). And I had a chance to live in the coolest house. We had way more space than we needed, but it was such a wonderful place with a great neighborhood lake we took walks (and sometimes bounced a tennis ball) around. I also learned to live in people's basements when our house sold before our new condo was ready. I humbly learned to rely completely on the goodness of others' hearts.

living in: Walnut Hills
church: Echo Church
time: fall 2005 through now
lessons: I learned to be a mom. Still learning. Never will stop learning! I drew closer than ever to my parents through several different hospital stays. I learned what it means to plant a church. I learned to rely on God daily unlike any other time in my life. I learned new sides of my husband as I saw him humbled and trusting in God as he never had before in his life. I learned to balance working from home with work to do at home. I learned to LOVE Eden Park as my backyard! I learned to pare down all that stuff we accumulated in the house that was bigger than what we needed. I learned to literally love my neighbor (that's you, Veena!). And I learned what it means for church to truly be my family and my dearest friends (that's all of you, Echo peeps!).

I used to fear change. OK, so I still do. But I'm keeping an open mind this time! As I enter a new stage in life, I can't help but look back on all my life changes with a big smile. God has my back. And I can't wait to see what he'll teach me next.