I must confess—I have a strained relationship with January 1 of each new year.

On the one hand, I enjoy it for the Rose Parade. I'm not into parades in general, but there is something fascinating about the Rose Parade and how they must cover every inch of the floats in living floral material. (It's the little things in life that thrill me.) I think it's really cool and love it now that HGTV shows the full two hours with no commercials.

On the other hand, I feel a heaviness on my spirit. I think, first and foremost, it's the feeling anyone gets after vacation. I always take time off work at the end of the year, and the thought of having to get back into the normal routine of things can be burdensome. I've really enjoyed being off these past two weeks. It's been a great rest.

A second reason for heavy spirits is my general outlook on the future. I guess I'm more pessimistic than my husband (who is optimistic like his father). When change comes on the horizon for me, I start to wax nostalgic on all that has been. So on January 1, I reflect upon on how great a year it has been and how certainly nothing could top it in the next year, and, in fact, 2009 (or whatever year it turns) could arrive with circumstances that are harder and require more work. (Yes, that's laziness mixed with my pessimism!)

Change is hard for me. It may be theologically driven. Although I have no doubt that God can provide and will provide and does provide, I continue to doubt if He'll continue to want to bless me as He has done. You see, I've already been given so much, and there is nothing at all any of us do to deserve God's blessings. So I continue to peer around each corner, wondering if this is the time God will allow for trials and tribulations to come, choosing to teach me about His strength and other life lessons that come from a good struggle.

I'm so odd! I have experienced nothing but love and continual reminders that God is here with me, giving me every good thing and never ceasing to stand by me when dark times come. Yet I have such fears.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" cried the boy's father to Jesus in Mark 9:24. That continues to be the cry of my soul. My prayer of 2009: I believe in you, God! But help me overcome all that hinders me in acting upon such faith.

Of late, I have had wont to consider the classics whilst I fill my days in respite from my paid labours. And indeed, one accomplishment has already become my treasure—Jane Eyre.

My repose was such this week that I had liberty to partake in the reading earlier than suspected. What began as a leisurely activity to bide away my idle time soon changed its course. After some engagement in the narrative, there persisted in me some strange madness, pressing me onward to take hold of the unknown future and compel the novel to reveal its enigmatic ending.

I was struck by fatigue on more than one occasion at such bewitching hours when the moon was high and one day turned unto another. Yet I crept forward in enchanting delight, lapping up the strange tale as a ravenous beast, no longer aware of what person or activity surrounded me.

As foretold by a confidante, the enrapturing effort ended satisfactorily. Disappointment was far from me, and a smile crept to my face as the last page turned.

Surprisingly, God's presence was felt throughout the journey, and His Mighty Spirit spoke to me through numerous passages. Truly, I am a joyous character to have undertaken this pursuit.

An hour from now it will be December 5. Which means it's the one year anniversary since my lung decided to spontaneously deflate on me. Hooray for a year of healthy breathing! That's something I took for granted until now.

Today I was listening to some David Crowder on my iPod, and I recalled how much those same songs meant to me when I spent time in the hospital. God used that time to provide me with needed rest and a renewed focus on Him. And as I read back to see how God used that time to answer some unspoken desires, I hope that I have allowed Him to infiltrate my year day in and day out, without allowing stress to build up so that it takes five days in the hospital to get me to stop and slow down!

Although I've had my moments and days, as we all do, I've had a great year. I've tried to be appreciative of how great I have life so that I don't take so many blessings, big and small, for granted. In the year's time, I look back and see friendships that have deepened, new friendships that have been made, and continual love and support by my family. Thanks to everyone who is a part of my life—thanks for bringing me smiles and being used by God to make my life better in ways you'll never know.

All in all, this is kind of like a belated Thanksgiving post. Or an early end-of-the-year wrap-up. But I find this particular day a little more meaningful to my year's experience and a bit more random! :)

Celebrate with me right now and take a deep breath in and out—and thank God that you can!