So I have to confess a weakness. Although I try to be a generous person, I do better when it comes to giving of my time, my listening ear, and other related efforts than I do in giving money. That sounds so bad to say, but I have to be honest and admit that it's a struggle. I'm that way with everyone -- even myself. (At least I'm not hypocritical!) I have to have people convince me to buy myself stuff that I need/want. And if you saw how many things I've bought for Kaelyn vs. how much has been given to her by others, you'd see a big difference as well. (I say it's trying to keep her humble!)

I'm just cheap. That's all there is to it. I feel bad when my desire to make sure I have enough in my savings account spills into a lack of generosity to others who are in need or just others who are wonderful that I should freely give to because they give me such love! My sinful worry should not hinder my spirit of compassion. I apologize to any loved ones reading this who have been shortchanged by me. It's not a natural gift I possess, but I am working on it.

To contrast, Steve is very generous. He is always buying meals for people and giving to people in our community who ask -- especially those who come to our church and seek a handout. Now since we've been at Echo Church, we've had quite a few people walk in and ask for money. Some come more than once. One comes all the time. Steve tries to use good judgment. He usually tells me that he'll give to anyone once. When they come back a second or third (or more) time, he tries to realize that he could just be feeding a larger problem by giving out money. He's just too nice, in other words! : )

So on Sunday, Steve said, "It cost me $26 to go to church tonight." What? Apparently two different men had asked him for money. One was a new visitor and the other was a frequent "friend." For once, I didn't roll my eyes at him. God gave him a heart of compassion, and I should learn from him. We have never gone without anything we need, so God obviously has provided for us enough that we should be generous to others.

"Guess what?" Steve says to me today. "I just got a check in the mail for $25."

For those of you keeping score out there, that's God and Steve and compassion for people: 1 vs. Kelly and worry: big fat zero. (And if we were keeping a running tally, I know God's numbers would be off the charts. He never ceases to surprise me with his love despite my sinfulness!)

In part 1, I explained that God's power evident to me on Saturday was, on one hand, gentle. On the other hand, God's power was humbling as well.

I read manuscripts all the time at my job about people sensing God's presence. To be honest, I've heard it so much, that stories similar to what I'm sharing have sometimes lost their full meaning to me. I think I've become somewhat desensitized to the powerful way God can make Himself known in people's lives. So as I was sensing God's presence, I was so grateful and at the same time so apologetic, feeling undeserving to be near Him.

This portion of my ride with God was confession. I was reminded by His Holy Spirit that I am quick to think of God as an easy-to-hang-out-with deity. And He is. Yet the key word is deity. No matter how casually I approach Him most of the time, He is almighty, all-powerful GOD! I need to be humbled before Him and recognize who He is -- all that I can comprehend about Him and all the mystery that I cannot comprehend. I need to approach Him with reverence and awe.

Tears came as I allowed myself to fully feel the weight of my sin. One of my biggest stumbling block is the way that I feel so self-righteous at times, thinking that my sins aren't as "bad" as others and not really needing "that much" of God's grace. What a ridiculous thought pattern! "Not that much" of God's grace? As if there are levels of His suffering -- that He somehow only took perhaps one nail for me and the rest of the pain was reserved for "worse sinners"?

No, I was reminded in full force that I need every drop of blood that was shed. Sin of any and all kind separates me from a relationship with God. When I seek His forgiveness, I need to stop and remember what my "please forgive me" request really cost. What is easy for me to say was not easy for Jesus.

I was also humbled by my selfishness. Before Kaelyn was born, I prayed that her birth would force me, as a mom, to think beyond my own wants and desires. And that does happen at times. But I still slip into old patterns of self-centeredness. I do this especially with Steve. He may see my best, but he also sees my worst. Such is marriage! So God and I had a long talk about selfishness and the many places it's at the root of my problems.

All in all, I felt my burdens lifted that night. It felt good. And it made me realize how important it is for me to be that honest, that bare, before God. I need to do so more often.

Now if I was a good storyteller, I'd end there, with a "happily ever after" type feeling. But then I would not be an honest person. I must tell you that as great as Saturday night was, Sunday evening was the pits. I had a cranky baby on my hands, and the afternoon had put me in a foul mood. No excuse, I know! But I allowed my crankiness to enter into my being, and I said and did some really selfish things that evening, aimed in Steve's general direction.

I was so angry with myself afterward! How could I not even go 24 hours after confessing my selfishness to God before I was knee deep in it again? My perfectionist side thought I'd at least "conquer" such sin for a day!

Such a reminder that God's grace is always necessary, and I will always be a sinner. I may grow and strive, but I'll never be able to let my guard down. And I'll never be able to do it on my own. Good thing His compassionate mercy is new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-26).

There is something powerful when you can truly say you had an encounter with God.

I can recall a few times in my life when I specifically sensed God's presence by my side, in me, around me. I know there are probably many more "ordinary" moments when I either don't sit still enough to recognize His presence or simply take it for granted. So that makes the times when He does get my attention even more special. I ask Him to please do so more often, for I am a failed human being who needs constant reminders of His power. (My prayer is literally, "God, please whack me upside the head when You need to get my attention." That's really what I pray!)

His power is what I sensed on Saturday night as I drove back from Lexington. On the one hand, His power was gentle, as I felt Him accompanying Kaelyn and I on our drive home. Kaelyn had moments of fussiness on the 1 1/2 hour drive. On the way to Lexington that morning, I had pulled over at a rest stop when she cried and fed her with no hesitations. But there was something more intimidating about stopping to feed her at night. So I prayed that God would give her rest and give us a peaceful drive. She had two times of crying, but both times God provided comfort to her so she slept again and comfort to me, knowing that He was with us. I felt as if He was riding right in the car with us!

What an amazing God that He would promise to be present with every believer in such a personal way. A huge God caring about every single human being. Unfathomable!

During those minutes (that seemed like hours!) while Kaelyn was crying, I realized something: my heart broke for her to hear her cry, knowing that I was in the front seat and not back there to comfort her. Yet I also knew that she was really OK and just tired and that if she let herself, she could be calmed enough to get to sleep. I knew she was in no real trouble. Yet how does it break God's heart to hear the cries of people who are in real trouble?

I tried to imagine the pain God must see on a daily basis where innocent young lives are abused and cannot stop the abuser, where elderly people are neglected and can do nothing to change their situations, and where others cry out because they are not whole and they do not know the One who can fill them. How God's heart must break to hear their cries. I prayed for God's gentle, comforting power to be present in those lives.

[As I see that my thoughts were longer than originally intended (as usual!) I will put these next ones in another post to break things up for you, dear reader! ; ) ]